The moon might be as intimidating as Obamacare

Cruzifites,

As is well known, I am intimidated by black men.

Pictured: My Nightmare

Particularly, President Barack Hussein Obama. His name sounds foreign, and as you all know, I am the Canadian-born son of a Cuban immigrant who fought for Castro, and consequently, cannot abide anything that is not Red, White, and Blue American through and through.

What many of you may not know, is that I am also intimidated by the moon. Let's not mince words. I'm terrified of it.

Pictured: My Other Nightmare

This is why I, in my official capacity as Chairman of the Subcommittee on Space, Science, and Competitiveness, recently instructed NASA to stop watching the Earth, and watch that perfidious, liberal orb.

Now you may ask, "Ted, how do you know the moon is liberal?" A perfectly reasonable question, my fellow free-market enthusiast, and for a purse of silver coins, I would reply, "Ayn Rand whispers in the darkness of my mind."

Taken from: the sexyness of Ayn Rand (that's not even a joke)

But I would also point out that the moon doesn't even have the decency to charge for its light, which means it is simply a pinko, communist ploy by President Obama to provide free light to bribe the underprivileged to vote Blue.

That being said, join me in telling NASA, to stop regulating space and science and stuff. After all, what could possibly go wrong letting spaceships be built by the lowest bidder?

Well that seems unlikely to happen again

Keep Cruzin', America. And remember, like Somalia at the height of its piracy epidemic, Mars is an Objectivist paradise.

It doesn't even have an environment, let alone an EPA.

Out With The Establishment, In With... the... other... Establishment?

My fellow Americans,

It gives me distinct pleasure to announce the impending resignation of my second-vice-arch-nemesis, Harry Reid. No one has done more to hurt the conservative cause than Minority Leader Harry Reid. Not even Jim Inhofe, when he threw a snowball on the Senate Floor.

I wouldn't be so mad, if someone had told me we were allowed to bring props.

It's true, I may have called NASA scientists "flat-earthers" for talking about their observations of climate change, but Harry Reid helped to provide needed medical care to millions of Americans, many of them almost assuredly Democrats.

And that is something up with which we cannot put.

So I call on each and every one of my army of Cruzifers to send a letter to my office supporting an amendment to the ACA so that only Republicans have access to the health insurance exchanges. 

Send your letters to:

Senator Ted CruzWashington, D.C.

Dirksen Senate Office Bldg

Suite 185

Washington, DC 20510

Normally, I'd say repeal it, but I've been shopping on there recently, and the rates are very reasonable.

Keep Cruzin', America.

Allies & Enemies

Morning, Cruzifers,

Today I wanted to share a little bit about the importance of association. While Euripides said in the Phoenix fragment, "Every man is like the company he wont to keep," I know none of you have read that, because he was a foreigner, and you can't read.

So now I'm bringing the concept to you in pictures. Or at least my assistant is, because, as we've already established, I have no idea how this "internet thing" works.

That being said, it is true the "mainstream" GOP thinks I'm an idiot, but it's good to know I still have some staunch advocates. For example, you all remember when Sarah, Mike, and I came together to support the first African American to propose slavery as a condition for welfare in the 21st century?

It doesn't matter that John McCain, a respected Senator and war hero can't stand me,

I've got friends in grassroots America.

Keep Cruzing!

Matthw Inman Supports Cruz '16

Recently, famed author and cartoonist Matthew Inman came out in support of my campaign:

In his open letter, he said:

Net Neutrality is a bipartisan issue. It's something liberals, conservatives, ... men, women, and children of this great country of ours can get behind.

I agree, Mr. Inman. 

Thanks for your endorsement!

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa

I just want to put some rumors to rest. While it is true that I've signed up for ObamaCare, and I did once fake a filibuster to defund it, just because I'm giving money to the system I shut the government down to oppose doesn't mean that I now support ObamaCare for you. The government has no right to provide for the general welfare, and I can't support anything that says otherwise.

Source: Daily Kos

Keep Cruzing!

Planned Parenthood Supports Cruz '16

I want to say a big thank you to Planned Parenthood for putting aside their historical partisanship and coming out in support of the government's right to regulate a uterus.

While I'm grateful for every award, and literally desperate for recognition, this excerpt praising my diligence and intellectual honesty really struck home:

For his singular mission [on behalf]... of women and families, Texas Senator Ted Cruz has earned the... title of Gynotician of the Week. 

Thanks, Planned Parenthood!